Two questions that I keep asking myself and people keep asking me are “is there a way you guys can reconcile”? and “is there another woman”?

Oh well, I have thought over and over again and I think yes, we can reconcile. BUT, a lot of things would need to be trashed before that happens. However, for a reconciliation to take place, both parties need to be ready to do so and be ready to sit down and talk. You are not ready to sit down and talk. You want to handle it your own way. So therefore, I don’t think a reconciliation would take place. From your end, you don’t seem to want it. I therefore would also not wait about till you are ready to talk. I move on.

I believe and wondered even before the break-up if there is anything we could have done to salvage this relationship. And my answer is/was yes. You however didn’t seem to think so, else you would have allowed us seek counselling and talk to people and work on our relationship. Relationships need work.

Second question. I believe you when you say there is no other woman. People think I am naive to believe so. But I trust you. Yes, people may ask me to “investigate” and find out but I believe you. However, I have thought about this other woman issue and come to a conclusion that there is actually another woman. She isn’t just a physical being. This other woman are your friends cum flatmates and their friends and the like of Johnnie Walker and Jack Daniels and Hennessey. The list is endless. I believe the almost a year you have come in contact with your flatmates and you guys hanging out, though you always said you didn’t drink, I think you began to unconsciously “realize” what you left behind when you stopped drinking. The late nights, the beaches, the bringing drinks home and drinking at home.

Don’t get me wrong. I am an advocate for hanging out with friends and with people. But when we do so especially in places we shouldn’t be, after a while, it begins to have an effect on you. I think this is your other woman. You unconsciously begin to think about the life you left behind. See what your friends do with their girlfriends and all and you start to wish it was so with us. I may be wrong though.

 

PB

As the days go by, it gets harder and then suddenly easier.

I tend to do a lot of thinking and yet I feel happy.

I finally started deleting your pictures off my phones and laptops and everywhere else. It was painful. I cried. But I do realize that to move on, some things need to be done.

One of such is deleting such pictures.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you need to even delete your ex off any social media to get a closure and move on, please do. However, do not, I repeat, do not let bitterness take root in your heart. Pray against every root of bitterness and anger and malice. It might be justifiable for you to feel wronged and angry and bitter but to what end? Closure you must get. Move on you must.

One thing that has helped me so far is prayers and reading. I have gone back to one of my hobbies which I stopped having time for; reading books. And they are really helping. I have also decided not to stay home alone. Go out people. Go out. It is depressing staying home and pitying yourself. But mind and watch where you go to. Some place would just compound your woes.

I have also decided to tell people we are no longer together. No more asking how you are and I reply fine while trying hard to smile and behave like all is well. No more. Not any more. Tis over. No more lies.

My elder sister called during the day to ask how I was doing. I think she is really scared for her sister. How do I make her realize I would be fine?

PB

Dear ex,

First of all I want to say I have no regrets. No regrets whatsoever for knowing you. No regrets for ever courting you. No regrets for ever saying yes to your proposal.

You made me a very happy woman the day you asked me to marry you and a heartbroken woman months after when you called it off. But I know it is for a reason. A reason I can’t yet explain but I know would get clearer as the time goes on.

I know we both deserve better and a break up was necessary. It took me but two weeks to finally start to come to terms with the break up. I know you once loved me but no longer do. I would live with that. I know you respect me. In fact, it is your respect for me that led us to this point. In the bid not to hurt me by being a jerk, you hurt me by ending it. In a bid not to break my heart by not being the man I want or the man I know, you broke my heart by saying it is over.

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that you do not see me any longer in your future. Hopefully soon, I won’t see you in mine. It hurts and hurts badly.

But I have absolutely no regrets. Yes, there are days I ask myself if I would have been better of never saying yes to you and meeting and dating other people. Yes, there are days I ask if the last almost three years was a waste. But still, I have no regrets. Knowing you. Knowing your family. I have no regrets loving you.

Move on we both must. And move on we would. I would. And so would you.

PB

Finally spoke to my elder sister about how I felt last night. Well, I didn’t feel any better like people suggested I would talking to people about it. My issue now isn’t just the break up but the fact that I am also very jobless and thus have all the time in the world to “think”. It is mega depressing. Never knew what depression was till now.

Went for a job interview on Wednesday. I hope to get the job. My father doesn’t know what is wrong. So all he keeps reminding me about this job is the fact that I would travel a lot. I wish he knew I actually need that distraction travelling would afford.

I have seen four types of people since this incident. All of them mean well. Not sure though I need them around me.

1. Those who call to just find out how you are doing and ask you to pray i.e. my mum. I know she means well and wants me to get my mind off this. But asking me to pray though well meaning makes me seem like I never used to pray.

2. Those who tell me “God’s got your back”. “It is better the engagement was broken than you guys getting married” and all and all. Nice words. I know He has my back. I know a broken engagement seems better than a broken marriage. I know it is always darkest before the dawn. I know my dawn is coming. Your words just aint helping me.

3. Those who think I am not doing enough to get my man back. “Are you telling me you can’t reconcile?” “Are you saying there is nothing you can do?” Well peoples, I can’t kill myself trying to get a man back. If he is no longer interested, what more can I do? A relationship takes two people who are committed to each other not one.

4. Those who want to take you to see Pastor A or B who would pray for you. Those group I want and have to avoid so much. It is bad enough I already feel inadequate. Asking so and so Pastor to pray and tell me what to do, I won’t hear. Keep off these kinds of people.

Each of these groups starts by greeting you “pele” “sorry” and then try to get you to go out. I don’t want pele or sorry but go out I must.

I was very cynical at first when this break up occurred. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come up. Wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Just didn’t want to love any longer. In fact I prayed to God to take the ability to love far away from me. I never want to love a man again. NEVER EVER. But He keeps reminding me He created me to love. His kind of love no matter how hurtful or painful a situation may be. As His child I just have to love Everywhere I turn to, I hear I have to love. It is painful and hard but by His grace I would love again. Love the man I would marry. Love you with God’s love and not hate you. See you and be truly happy for you.

I was created with the capacity to love. And yes, I would love again.

PB

It has been two long weeks and a few days. I try and try to get over you. Everybody keeps asking what is wrong with me. I just can’t say what the issue is. My family knows. They are worried about me. And I don’t know what to do to allay their fears. The one I could talk to, I no longer can. The one I could tell how I feel, I no longer can.

I have prayed and cried and asked for help. I long to share and tell you things. I long for the days when we were once close. I have asked for this cup to pass over me. I have thought “how would I break this news to others”? “Who do I tell?” “Who would help me?” I crave an outlet. Someone to talk to. A means of closure. I can’t tell my people how I feel because I don’t want anyone to pity me. So I would let my writing do the talking. Hopefully telling people I don’t know would bring me the succour I need.

I am very sad. It is written all over my face. I am very irritated. I snap at everybody. All day long I lay down and think about what went wrong. What did I do wrong? How did this happen? How do I explain this? Answers refuse to come. I can’t explain it to myself. How then can I explain to others? It has been a miserable two weeks. I beg and will you to come back to me. It just isn’t happening.

I watch TV and I see you and I. I go to the cinemas and I see you and I. I pick up my phone. You are everywhere. How can one love one minute and the next, not love? I am practically falling over myself and begging you to come back to me. I cry at night asking God to help me and see me through. It seems that isn’t happening either. Seems everything is just conspiring to make me unhappy. I am heartbroken, sad and feel unlovable. I shed the tears silently and when the whole house is quiet at night, I wail. And then I ask God to be my anchor. In times like this, I need an anchor.

I am heartbroken but I trust Him that repairs broken hearts to repair mine and help me to love again. I need to stay strong. I would survive. I pray soon as it is for you, good news would start to roll in for me.

This blog would hopefully be very short. It would chronicle my struggles through heartbreak and how I would overcome (as soon as possible by God’s grace and move on). I hope it would help others in their struggles too.

PB